There’s not a lot of variety in Workout DVD titles, is there? It’s all Dance this, Fitness that, Body the other. Clearly the celebs – or the celeb’s well-paid DVD Naming Manager – just grab the nearest couple of words from their box of Fitness Workout Fridge Magnet Poetry and figure they’re good to go.
"Yeah, that'll do."
It would be so much more satisfying if the workout names actually reflected the contents of the DVD. “Barbara Windsor acts like a mental and frightens her carer” for example. Or “Someone locks the girls from Hollyoaks in their basement for some reason”.
Vicky Binns’ workout would be called “Look At How Great My Arse Looks in These Silver Hotpants! Seriously – Take a Look! Closer than that!”
Do you see?
Her arse does look great, it’s true. And we all know that shiny silver lamé is not the most forgiving of fabrics. Many is the time I’ve eaten a whole packet of hobnobs just because they were there, squeezed into my XXXXL hotpants, looked in the mirror and thought “Can I really pull this look off”. Inevitably deciding “Damn right I can!” and striding purposefully off to my job interview or parent/tutor conference.
Me, dressed up to go out, yesterday.
Vicky and her trainer, Rachel Ravenscroft, guide us through the various sections which include Street Heat, Urban Burn, Power Groove and Core Control. The workout appears to take place in a Junior School hall straight after the school disco. They’ve still got the glitter collages made by the Year 5s on the wall.
Vicky is alumnus of not one but two soap operas having appeared in both Emmerdale and Coronation Street. This means if I had C-List Celebrity Bingo cards I would be able to tick off the “Ex-Soap Star” box for sure. In fact if I had C-List Celebrity Workout Bingo Cards I would have done pretty well with Binns. I could have ticked the “Inappropriate Workout Wear” box and the “Shit, pointless diet plan” one.
It would actually make a pretty good drinking game. It’s a pity you’re expressly warned not to drink when following workouts given that celebrity fitness DVDs and alcohol seem such natural bed fellows really.
The way in which the girls glittery tops match the stripe down the sides of each of their tracksuit bottoms. Did they have them made specially, do you think? Or at least had a member of the wardrobe team sew on the stripes on for them?
That's attention to detail right there.
I really do hate the crappy excuses for diet plans that keep cropping up on these fitness DVDs. It’s such a lazy Will-this-do way to claim that your DVD contains an extra. Presumably the production meeting goes something like, “So what about the DVD extras? Should we film something specially.” “Nah – [Insert Celebrity Name] just stuck a few menu ideas together – let’s do that.” “Brilliant. Anyone fancy a pint?”.
Call that a diet plan? You need more plan.
At least mix it up a bit. Make it slightly interactive. Stick a photo of a grapefruit as a background. Make some fucking effort.
When it wasn’t being baffling dance moves this was quite a good workout. There were lunges and thrusts and boxing bits. Like Vicky says in her introduction “This is not just mincing around your handbag.”
Would I do this Workout Again?